Thursday, 04 April 2013
To be successful in this world, you need one of three things; intelligence, intelligence, or intelligence- if you think you have all three, you're either fooling yourself, or you're well within the boundaries of success.
That being said, out of the kindness of my heart and with nothing due more to than the purest of intentions, I've decided to bless you human beings ("BUT JINN, YOU'RE HUMAN TOO!"- no, I've already covered this, I fell from heaven, I've even got the scar on the back of my head to prove it, which definitely wasn't from a childhood accident where I tripped, fell, and hit my head on a metal chai- whoops) with a guide. A guide consisting of all the required necessities to extend your intellect beyond that which is considered average, expand your brain capacity farther than the universe's reaches, and encompass you with sense deeper than the oceans.
Why would you do this, you ask? Well, if you read the first sentence of the previous paragraph, it is clearly stated that I am doing this "out of the kindness of my heart", but no worries! It is natural for you to ask such dull tedious repetitive questions, after all, you are nothing more than the common moron at the very moment; that's exactly why you're here! However, by the time you're done reading this guide, you will feel as if Steven Hawkin and Einstein hooked up at the local mathematical physics gay bar (I swear it exists, Google it- no, wait... I just came back from Googling that... don't Google it, ever), had a few alcoholic formulas, forgot to take the pill, and ended up producing a baby; that baby being you! disclaimer: we all know this story is fake because homosexuals can't get married and therefore can't have babies yet (lolwut?)
Well, without further ado, I present to you, how to be a genius:
Common sense; just like every building starts with a foundation, and every modern teenage suicide starts with a Youtube video, intelligence has its deep roots too. Intelligence, though a tree with many branches, all starts at the very base- common sense. Common sense is typically defined as the logical order with which we have the ability to communicate good sense and sound judgement- i.e. the thoughts of a reasonable human being. Lack of common sense is a major leading disease in society today- symptoms include anything from ignorance, stupidity, to a mild case of racism. "Developing" or "learning" common sense would be quite an extraordinary task, granted it is in fact pre-installed. You see, we were created with common sense, just like Windows comes with a pre-installed user manual. Though, just like the pre-installed Windows user manual, common sense is a program rarely used by a majority of the populace. If you are having trouble running your common sense program, then please try switching yourself off, then on again- who am I kidding, if you don't have common sense, just switch yourself off. Permanently.
Reading; if you have never read a book in your life (a proper book, not twelve pages of pictures about Jack's new teddy bear- Twilight doesn't qualify either, in fact, anything by Stephanie Meyer doesn't qualify, neither does Fifty Shades of Porn), then you are lacking in the most fundamental basics of intelligence. Reading does not just offer you mild entertainment or pages to flick through- reading offers empathy with another's world, familiarity with other ways of thinking, insight into objective perspectives, expansion of vocabulary, exploration of ideals, and most importantly, a development of your own personality. When you read a book, it becomes part of who you are, so they say (that's why I strongly advise staying away from Twilight)- in fact, it's said that reading a book may even have a direct affect on your psychology (again, emphasis on staying away from Twilight... please); this isn't meant in the way that reading would coerce you into blindly obeying and following the author, but rather that the way in which the book is written, and your personal interpretations will develop your thoughts and ideas in a way which couldn't be done in any other possible way (hence the extreme emphasis... please don't read Twilight)- so, make sure you rea- you know what, this section has one main point. Don't read Twilight, or that Fifty Shades of Blue shit.
Active brain; keeping your brain active is also an extremely important way to develop your intelligence. I wish I could be bothered to give you a full convincing break down about the biology behind the way in which brain cells function and the effect this would have on them, but unfortunately, I'm a law student, not a scientist, so I'll offer you the following example instead which should thoroughly explain my point...
Five male university students (Abe, Bob, Chris, Dan and Edward) met a young woman named Mary. She rebuffed their sexual advances from all of the students except for Dan. Mary said she would have sex with Dan but not with the others. Abe said, "If Mary isn't willing to have sex with all of us, then we'll have to force her. Are you guys with me?" Bob nodded his assent. The rest did not respond. Abe locked the door so Mary couldn't get out. Bob suddenly had a change of heart and said, "I'm not going to go through with it, and I think all of you should stop as well." At that point, Bob left the hotel room and went to his own room, but didn't do anything further. Abe then forcibly held Mary down and proceeded to have intercourse. Chris, who was very drunk, then said "I'm going to force her to have sex with me too." He took his clothes off and got up on the bed. However, before he actually had intercourse with Mary, Chris passed out from the alcohol. In relief that she wouldn't be forced to have sex again, Mary passed out. Dan decided that since Mary had said she wanted to have sex with him, it was OK and he proceeded to have sexual intercourse with the unconscious Mary. After Dan had sex with Mary, Mary woke up and started screaming. Afraid that someone would hear the screaming Mary, Abe choked her until she was dead. Edward just watched the whole time and said and did nothing. After Mary died, Abe, Chris and Dan went to Bob's bedroom. Edward went back to his bedroom and did nothing. Abe, Chris and Dan told Bob everything that had happened. Bob said that Abe, Chris and Dan could spend the night in his room so that they wouldn't be found with the dead body. The next morning, the police found Mary and arrested all five students. What crimes would they be guilty of?
That really wasn't relevant at all, it was one of the practice questions given for my up-coming finals so I pasted it. Though, it is quite clear that Dan had a great time.
Speaking; this bit has nothing to do with intelligence, I just felt like it was a good time to throw in a bit of etiquette after introducing like a thousand IQ into y'alls brains... speak only when there's words to be spoken, otherwise shut the fuck up.
How would you define intelligence?
Good to be back.
Sunday, 15 July 2012
So, considering the uhh... thousands of emails, tweets, Facebook messages (and so forth) I've received from my thousands of blog readers, I'd say you've all noticed that I've been gone a while and you're clearly desperate to know why...
Not really (actually, yes really, I thank you guys so much for the support and apologize for the lack of posts, your emails and messages are not lost on me, and I do log in from time to time and read them, I even check my blog statistics and see people visiting my old posts every day!). I've had no emails. No tweets, and definitely no messages from anyone requesting a new blog. I don't think any of you have noticed that I've been gone, nor do you give a fuck... in fact, the only Facebook message I've received concerning my blog went a little something like this;
"lol u havent posted in nerly a year??? tankh goddd!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur stupid blogz, ur sick sense f humur, ur overdone wittt nd 'try too hard to b funny' atittude was so fuckin ugly and yurgh u thnk ur so hansome n talented but ur a waste of space DONT POST AGEN PLZ!!!
btw susbcribe to my youtube channel th link is on my profile"
... I know what you're thinking, "JINN, YOU'RE WAY TOO AWESOME TO RECEIVE SUCH NONSENSE TROLL MAIL", and the thing is, YOU'RE RIGHT, I AM, I GOT NO SUCH MESSAGE- I'm human just like the rest of you, and just like the rest of you, I am subject to being victimized by uneducated morons who want to chip in their two cents through whatever means possible- the best thing to do, is Suicide is the Answer (see what I did there? Self-advertising, ha!). And just in case that's not what you were thinking, I'll answer your second question. Yes, I did subscribe to his Youtube channel. Don't judge me.
Truth is, I haven't had new content up for a very long time because I've been sitting in my room contemplating some very important life decisions. Like what? Well, off the top of my head, for example, on Facebook, when someone posts up a picture of a woman beating her son or daughter, and the caption reads "like this if you are against child abuse, keep scrolling and ignore if you have no heart"- I don't get it. I'm clicking LIKE (which generally means I like/ agree with the content I see) on a picture of a woman beating her kid to a pulp, to show I am AGAINST child abuse? Why am I LIKING something if I am AGAINST it?! I'm meant to like what I WANT, not what I unwant (is that a word?)- and if I don't like the picture and keep scrolling down, DOES IT REALLY MEAN THAT I HAVE NO HEART? Does it mean that my heart will suddenly and mysteriously disappear from my chest? Will I die? Will I die if I don't like this picture? What if I am for child abuse but have a heart?! WHAT DO I DO?
You see, when I said "life decisions", I literally meant decisions that could decide my life. Things like why is the word "understand" made up of the two words "under" and "stand" have crossed my mind too; what could that possibly mean and what does it have to do with the actual definition? What is under standing? Is it standing slightly under (lower) what you'd usually stand as? Like standing with a slightly hunched back? Or is it William Shakespeare (the inventor of the English language by the way if you didn't know) playing a prank on us?!
But all jokes aside, it's my birthday today (15th of July), and in fact, the third birthday I've celebrated on this blog, the previous two are slightly shorter but far more hilarious than this one (my sense of humour seems to be dying out as I grow older)- the links can be found here; BIRTHDAY #1 and BIRTHDAY #2.
I won't tell you how old I just turned, but if you can guess right, in the comment section below, YOU WILL RECEIVE A PRIZE OF- nothing. You don't win shit.
I've also noticed that a lot of you have unsubscribed from my blog due to the lack of posts, I have three words for you; YOUR LOSS CUNTS subscribe again please.
Recommend this to get the word out; I'm back.
Comment your birthday greetings below, it does mean a lot believe it or not.
Sunday, 06 November 2011
Now I know I haven't posted a single post in quite a while (due to studies), and as usual, it really is incredibly flattering to find my Xanga inbox and eMail over flooding with requests for an update to my blog; I thank you all for your support, admiration, and motivation- I don't think I would ever be bothered to get my lazy ass out of bed and type this up if you guys didn't outnumber me so badly. I have drafted a couple of posts over the past few weeks though, and you have my sincere promise that they will be up as soon as possible. However, all that's beside the point...
This post is for me to extend my warmest, most sincere, and heartfelt greetings towards the Islamic ongoing festival of Eid. For those of you who don't know, Eid lasts 2- 5 days (depending on culture)- there are two types of Eid; Eid-Ul-Iftar and Eid-Ul-Adha- we are currently celebrating the later- the festivity of sacrifice. Most of you will likely be familiar with the story of Abraham and the whole background alongside reasoning behind this celebration as it is in many scriptures other than the Quran- therefore I will not bore you with the unnecessary history lesson, besides, if you ever get stuck, it's not like Wikipedia have shut down or anything. The days of Eid are much like Christmas, except Muslims choose to apply a general consensus of not letting their children believe in a fat bastard diving in through the chimney. Even though I do say "the days of Eid are much like Christmas", I don't mean it in the materialistic approach, but rather in the God thanking, God appreciative implication.
Now I know most of you reading this are probably non-Muslim (based on the site statistics I seem to get a shit load of hits from America, North Korea, Russia, and Australia), so with regards to you; don't feel too disappointed or that I've wasted any of your time- whether you love, hate, or feel no particular emotion towards Muslims/ Eid, remember, no piece of knowledge is ever useless. You never know... whatever little you've learnt here could maybe save your life one day! Well, I don't see how knowing about Eid could possibly save your life, but yeah... knowledge is valuable no matter what... and all that shit.
If that's still not enough of a reason to deter you from leaving racist commentary below, or thinking something along the lines of "no one gives a shit about you bearded fuck faced bombing paki osama bin ladin terrorists!"- I'll have you know Islam is a religion based upon peace- the tranquility of spirituality and physicality. Sure, there will always be the bad of people who commit disgusting acts under the crest of a certain religion (which leads to vast misinterpretations and the illumination of it in the worst of lights), but that's no cause for generalizations. An individual claiming to be part of a group does not automatically qualify representing it in its entirety, the same way just because someone holds up a certain flag, it doesn't instantaneously change their feelings, personality, and priorities to portray the values of whatever it is they're holding. In fact, only around 10% of all Muslims are actually from the Central/ Southern parts of Asia, and only around 23% are Arab, so yeah, the rest is spread far and wide across the planet- it's a religion which is open to all countries, races, and promotes nothing but equality... calling Muslims "a bunch of Arabs" would be highly inaccurate and does literally naught but depict ignorance.
Now see what you've made me do? This marvelous message which was supposed to be filled with goodwill and smiley faces has turned a tad sour... but all with good reason; quite a load of people (naturally) hold such extreme grudges and prejudice towards a religion so thoroughly skewered by Western propaganda today. If you're still sitting there thinking "Muslims are a bunch of cock sucking cold blooded jew murdering terrorists and I will burn any Quran I see because I'm a burly fucking redneck with the brain capacity of a lizard, vision of a blind man, and openness of a coffin six feet under", then all I have to say is was Hitler a Muslim? God bless you.
*this entry hit the main page "top blogs" within 15 minutes of publishing, thank you- image of evidence.
Friday, 19 August 2011
I actually have no idea what I'm meant to be writing under this title, however, you, as the audience, considering you clicked it, must have some expectations. As I'm a very generous, selfless, and extremely considerate person, I will do my very best to fulfill every possible expectation cast on this post's title upon being clicked by my vast diversity of readers.
If you're a pathetic, self indulgent, depressed, uncharacteristic teenage girl suffering an apparent life crisis (which could be quite easily defined as "spider in my room" in most cases), then, clicking this post, you must be looking for suicide tips. Now, here's my take on suicide; if you're going to leave this life by choice, then be original, be creative, do it with a bang! The old paracetamol overdose, or noose around the neck jumping off a chair tricks just don't hit the headlines anymore. Hell, if you've decided to commit suicide in the first place, you probably already think that no one gives a shit about you; do you really want that to still be the case even when you're six feet under? No, so here's a few methods, tips, and tricks, to help your "suicide" become "the suicide":
One; make sure you die. Nothing worse than failing at your own death (except having Justin Bieber as your ringtone, but yeah, that's beside the point); I mean, considering you're already committing suicide, you're probably a failure at everything else, right? So for once in the last few minutes of your life, wouldn't it make sense to do something successfully? Hang on, since you're committing suicide, you're probably retarded and possess the inability to answer the simplest of questions, so I'll answer that for you; yes, it would, and there's actually a very simple tip to make sure it happens! Make a plan B, yes, a plan B. No, there's no such thing as fate, if your suicide fails, it does not mean that God wants you to live on, or that you have a new purpose in life, in fact, it means you're a complete fucking moron to the extent that you couldn't even facilitate your own death correctly. Plan Bs can range from contracting cancer, AIDs, or any other lethal disease before attempting your suicide- you may even decide to pack a gun and blow your brains out if things don't go as planned. Remember, failing to plan, is planning to fail (yes, this also applies to suicide)!
Two; be creative. No one wants to know about a fat chick who choked herself to death with her dad's belt one Sunday morning before going to Church, however, if this same fat chick got her tits stuck in the doorway to McDonald and died from internal bleeding followed by a sudden heart attack; wouldn't that be just fucking awesome horrid? Or wait, if she choked herself with her dad's belt in McDonald, damn, that would be scandalous. But of course, my examples are rendered pointless, why the hell would a fat chick ever commit suicide? Hell, they have the biggest dreams of us all! A pun; geddit'? Fat chicks... "biggest" dre- oh fuck you guys.
Three; have fun! Why commit suicide and leave the fun out of it?! It's the last day of your life... throw a party, call some hookers, slap your boss in the face, maybe even run a ginger over (no, I'm kidding, don't run gingers over, they have souls!)... of course, the only down side to this, is after having "fun", you may realize how stupid ending your own life is, that it's precious in its own way, that you actually do want to live, and that it's completely ridiculous to abandon the breath of even one day because of one recent downhill slope. Think about your mother pushing you out of her asshole vagina- that shit was painful (unless you were the eleventh child or later, it would have been pretty easy by then) and is enough of a reason as any other to treasure your life.
If you're a normal person, I have no clue what the fuck you expected me to be writing about in this post, but considering the average human only cares about themselves, it was probably for entertainment. I hope reading about fat chicks and cancer has entertained you sick, twisted people.
If you're a pro-life activist, then you probably dropped by to write a fucking essay in the comments section regarding my title's attitude towards respecting human life. Go for it fuckers, just don't expect me to read it... and seriously, stick to a few paragraphs, don't be pricks and leave a whole fucking novel.
A nice day to y'all.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Since my birthday, it feels like the whole world and everyone in it has been conspiring to piss me off in every possible way; that being said, I can't really blame them. Maybe it's an accident, maybe they just don't know what pisses me off and it's in their ignorance, in their nature to provoke me through their very existence. So for the sake of your well-being, and the well-being of those around you, I've decided to construct a list purely to inform you on what ticks me off, and I'm sure, as I'm mostly human (disregarding my half celestial ancestry) just like the rest of you, many of you will be able to relate.
People who think braces are cute; this would come in near the top of my list if there was any order (and even though there isn't, it somehow still made the top)- how the fuck is stapling every tooth in your mouth with a cluster of titanium, stainless steel and nickel the least bit attractive? It looks like you took a bite out of a furnace, hell, it looks like you're modelling healthy teeth on a BEFORE poster. You see credit cards? How they have those tiny metallic numbers imprinted on the front side? Kissing someone with braces must feel like licking one of those. The only up side I can think of, is someone with braces won't need a refrigerator seeing as they can store all their food directly in front of their teeth. No, I'm kidding, I can definitely see the health managerial side to dental braces, but seriously, would you call Ironman cute? No, so stop fooling yourselves, unless you're calling their braces cute because you want a free ticket to ride on Braces Express Railway Services; cut it out. If you have braces and you're reading this post, you probably agree with me more than anyone else, you probably can't wait to get rid of your iron restraints and be able to open your mouth on a bright Summer's day without blinding whoever your facing due to the reflected light.
Late comments; especially when they're negative, and this flies in with regards to anything, from social networking sites, blogs, to public jokes- people who comment late do miles to put me off lunch for the next month. Honestly, say for example you put up a blog post about food; your favourite food, people comment on it- there are disagreements, agreements, laughter, tears and whatever the fuck else happens in blog comments; then, six years later, someone with the name "fr3ddyJ0nes" comments on your post saying; "u retard.... dat fud isnt nice LOL :)"... come on! The most depressing bit is, you most likely won't even see that comment considering the post is six years old and you'd have forgotten all about checking there, hell, you'll probably be using a different blog, God, you may not even be alive anymore (even if you aren't, you'll probably turn in your grave the minute this little fucker presses the submit button). Late comments piss me off, when they're negative, it's worse, because they're most likely coming from an illiterate who's decided to join when everything's ended and has no idea how far the conversation has progressed (meaning, most likely, his "point" has already been covered and discussed in a more intelligent way)- this also particularly applies to Facebook pictures, it's so awkward when you have a picture up from, say, ten years ago, and now you're married, your ex girlfriend commented on that picture, some half brained cunt you just met decides to comment on it ten years later; "aww, you look so much older now!" (well, no shit Sherlock, that was TEN YEARS AGO), you click the notification, and your wife sneaks up behind you reading your ex's comment- "babe I remember that night! Your tongue felt so good down there ;). Looking good xx"; what an end to a happy marriage, eh. Lesson being, if you have something to comment, check the date first, if what you're commenting on is more than a few months old, the person probably doesn't give a shit and you should just shut the fuck up.
People who break promises in bulk; one of the worst characteristics to have is dishonesty, but no one's perfect; anyone can lie about little things or when the time is absolutely necessary. Breaking a promise however, that's hardly excusable, in fact, it's disgusting (promises are vows, they're a direct inclination towards one particular person and hold you loyal; it's something that puts you and your pride at stake, no matter how little or big it is). Breaking promises in bulk on the other hand, is something you should be stoned to death for... really, breaking one promises is bad enough, but going ahead and breaking everything you ever said to one person at the same time is worse than murder. At least have the decency to spread it out a little (not that it makes you a better person), have some empathy and consideration! Thing is, most people here would use the most basic of excuses; "I had no choice", "I have to", "it's hard for me too" and "it's not my fault"- don't believe any of that, it's also bullshit. Come on, use your brain; if they have the audacity to break a bunch of life-changing promises they made to you within the time-span of sixty seconds, they can definitely throw in a few extra one liners as lies to compensate your "feelings" and save their "pride". Point here is, everyone has a choice in everything they do, nothing is forced, at all, even in the most ridiculous of situations, every human being has the strength, possibility and opportunity to keep their promises- in the end, it all comes down to the strength of their personality and what/ who matters more. Simply, if you can't keep your promises, don't open your mouth and stare deep into another person's eyes- especially a "significant other", and utter absolute bullshit. It's stupid and demeaning.
People who lick my ass; I've always found "rimjobs" particularly disgusting, but somehow, I find the metaphorical "lick my ass" much worse. These people are everywhere, as a wise man (my dad) once said- the majority of people are "sheep", they're just a crowd, they follow, they never think, there's only a few, the elite, who actually think and control society; those are the truest words I've ever had the privilege of hearing. Just look around you, most people, they follow, they do no thinking nor significant action, but this post isn't going to divert to some political nuisance, I'd like to keep on track. Having someone lick your ass is quite metaphorical as it is literal; you start to feel sticky and wet, slobbered. My advice is, if you're going to lick my ass, be prepared to wax, polish, tan, clean, shine and wipe the rest of it for the following week too, I don't want to deal with any shit you may leave behind (geddit'? "Shit" you may leave behind, oh I'm so funny).
People who smile at everyone; why the fuck are you so happy? I'm not talking about the slight accepting smile that people usually nod towards each other every morning at work or in a public place- this is in regards to the huge appalling five foot wide smile where it looks like someone stapled their lips across their cheeks. There's nothing wrong with looking glad, but imagine my grandfather just died, and I'm walking down the street, and I see you, with a huge smile plastered across your face, then you look at me and offer me that five foot horror, I swear to God my first inclination would be to beat the living daylights out of you then break every tooth in your mouth so your smile looks more like a cave entrance. Smile, sure, but know when to keep a straight motherfucking face. Besides, it's always nice to save your smiles for someone special, so they feel special.
Now that you've laughed your head off and come out a little more wise and a little less depressed, please make sure to never take part in any of the activities listed above; I'm definitely thinking of making a part two for this post as there's quite a few I have yet to list.
Thank you for your time.