Friday, 19 August 2011
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Suicide is the Answer!
I actually have no idea what I'm meant to be writing under this title, however, you, as the audience, considering you clicked it, must have some expectations. As I'm a very generous, selfless, and extremely considerate person, I will do my very best to fulfill every possible expectation cast on this post's title upon being clicked by my vast diversity of readers.
If you're a pathetic, self indulgent, depressed, uncharacteristic teenage girl suffering an apparent life crisis (which could be quite easily defined as "spider in my room" in most cases), then, clicking this post, you must be looking for suicide tips. Now, here's my take on suicide; if you're going to leave this life by choice, then be original, be creative, do it with a bang! The old paracetamol overdose, or noose around the neck jumping off a chair tricks just don't hit the headlines anymore. Hell, if you've decided to commit suicide in the first place, you probably already think that no one gives a shit about you; do you really want that to still be the case even when you're six feet under? No, so here's a few methods, tips, and tricks, to help your "suicide" become "the suicide":
One; make sure you die. Nothing worse than failing at your own death (except having Justin Bieber as your ringtone, but yeah, that's beside the point); I mean, considering you're already committing suicide, you're probably a failure at everything else, right? So for once in the last few minutes of your life, wouldn't it make sense to do something successfully? Hang on, since you're committing suicide, you're probably retarded and possess the inability to answer the simplest of questions, so I'll answer that for you; yes, it would, and there's actually a very simple tip to make sure it happens! Make a plan B, yes, a plan B. No, there's no such thing as fate, if your suicide fails, it does not mean that God wants you to live on, or that you have a new purpose in life, in fact, it means you're a complete fucking moron to the extent that you couldn't even facilitate your own death correctly. Plan Bs can range from contracting cancer, AIDs, or any other lethal disease before attempting your suicide- you may even decide to pack a gun and blow your brains out if things don't go as planned. Remember, failing to plan, is planning to fail (yes, this also applies to suicide)!
Two; be creative. No one wants to know about a fat chick who choked herself to death with her dad's belt one Sunday morning before going to Church, however, if this same fat chick got her tits stuck in the doorway to McDonald and died from internal bleeding followed by a sudden heart attack; wouldn't that be just fucking awesome horrid? Or wait, if she choked herself with her dad's belt in McDonald, damn, that would be scandalous. But of course, my examples are rendered pointless, why the hell would a fat chick ever commit suicide? Hell, they have the biggest dreams of us all! A pun; geddit'? Fat chicks... "biggest" dre- oh fuck you guys.
Three; have fun! Why commit suicide and leave the fun out of it?! It's the last day of your life... throw a party, call some hookers, slap your boss in the face, maybe even run a ginger over (no, I'm kidding, don't run gingers over, they have souls!)... of course, the only down side to this, is after having "fun", you may realize how stupid ending your own life is, that it's precious in its own way, that you actually do want to live, and that it's completely ridiculous to abandon the breath of even one day because of one recent downhill slope. Think about your mother pushing you out of her asshole vagina- that shit was painful (unless you were the eleventh child or later, it would have been pretty easy by then) and is enough of a reason as any other to treasure your life.
If you're a normal person, I have no clue what the fuck you expected me to be writing about in this post, but considering the average human only cares about themselves, it was probably for entertainment. I hope reading about fat chicks and cancer has entertained you sick, twisted people.
If you're a pro-life activist, then you probably dropped by to write a fucking essay in the comments section regarding my title's attitude towards respecting human life. Go for it fuckers, just don't expect me to read it... and seriously, stick to a few paragraphs, don't be pricks and leave a whole fucking novel.
A nice day to y'all.
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Comments (80)
We'll will die eventually. Meanwhile, I'd rather live my life to the fullest and to hell with the conscience.
Justin Bieber yuck!!!
hahah this was a lovely post you're funny as hell and in my opinion just the thought of Justin Beiber is a cause for suicide
Oh Jinn, I am just waiting to see the arguments and heated comments on this post.Perhaps, I'm wrong though.Well I could take offense by this,I'll just appreciate your dark humor and sarcastic tone.
One; make sure you die. Nothing worse than failing at your own death (except having Justin Bieber as your ringtone, but yeah, that's beside the point);XD
"Four: If you're a Xanga hater who wants to vent about the 'Heartless, Mean JinnLedet' making fun of suicide, don't waste your finger power. This is meant to get people to think twice, or thrice, about how wasteful suicide is, and how wasteful threatening suicide is. Devote your energy to being a better person, and don't worry about me."
That might fit, eh?@RestlessButterfly - Hahah, that's how everyone should live.
@passions_trapped - Thank you, and I know what you mean :P.
@lameusernamessuck_88 - I don't see what there is to take offense from or argue about, my mockery of suicide was only the lead up to "prolife" advice and support.
@RighteousBruin - But that would defeat the purpose of having people try and figure out the meaning, it's bad to spoon feed people everything ;).
@JinnLedet - Because this is one of those posts that at first glance (just by skimming over it),some might take offense to,but I understand what your trying to say and I'm not as stupid as some people,so I'm not going to.
@JinnLedet - True, that.
Your twisted sense of humour amuses me, and obviously your life has not been as hard as others. What you haven't considered is that most people that commit suicide have been through traumatic events that can lead to mental illness' that cannot be 'cured'. I am one of those millions/billions of persons. And although I have not committed suicide it is something that crosses my mind every evening.
I appreciate your jokes, and trying to make light of this all, but really you shouldn't talk of things if you have not experienced them for yourself.
this was rude, but youre entitled to your opinion. its good that your life is so charmed that you can mock those in a bad situation. my friend killed herself cause her dad raped her for two years. not cause she was fat or retarded.
@roseereptar36 - So killing herself was the correct decision in your opinion?
@NOTForTheFaintHearts - I don't need to be in a certain situation to know how it feels, there's a little something gift from God called empathy, I know how it would feel and I completely understand your sentiments, however, ending one's own life is never something justifiable. If murder, homicide, is frowned upon to the point of a death sentence on the offender, don't you think committing homicide on YOURSELF is just SO unfair? "Yourself" has been there for you ALL your life, you deserve to give yourself chances, not to kill it off so easily. Do you see what I'm getting at? You, yourself are an entity, if you would never kill another human being, you have no right to kill yourself as you're ending a life nevertheless.
@JinnLedet - I see what you mean, but empathy is not enough, (if you have never felt love, how can you empathise with someone that is heartbroken?)
mh, I wonder if you think this post is troll-ish, and if so, if it really is, because I honestly believe you are being the avant-garde of a new trend right now, even if this post sounds funny. I believe sooner or later it will come down to no one respecting human life for itself. People will want to get rid of the weak sick and depressed, and they are happy when these stumbling blocks for economy and productivity who probabaly also have bad genetics that pre-dispose them to mental illness, die off. All they need to learn is to be less hypocritic. I may find that sad and scary but I don't know if any of us old-school pro-lifers have a chance...
Hahaha I love the way you write, you always crack me up XD
This was funny! People need to lighten up. I had thought about suicide a million times but was never dumb enough to attempt it. There is always a way out of whatever bullshit is going on in ones life. If we give up on our lives that easily then we never find out how we could have gotten out of the situation and live on. Life goes on no matter what hardships we face and I have faced many since birth. So it really pisses me off when I hear that so and so committed suicide for this or that reason. I have learned to be strong through my hardships. There is no room for weaknesses in my life. Screw that! People need to tough it out and stop being cowards. Great post my friend!
Great post, Jinn. I have been there, and back, several times in my younger years. I have also lost a close friend to the noose. I know also that the deep dispare behind such an action makes one blind to the actual horror that you will leave behind for your family and friends. I think now that suicide is probably the ultimate in selfishness and contempt for all humanity.
The more that people can be made aware of, and think on, the true implications of this act the better.LOL!!!
Gingers have souls too... geez... what are you thinking?
@oceanstarr - I was sitting here waiting for someone to make a comment on that.
@Mal_P - ;).
@FrenzElectric - Thank you Frenz, I'm sorry to hear about your past, but I'm sure everyone who knows you today is blessed to do so, and probably happier than you are that you got passed your gloomy days unscathed.
@boricua_chic_2008 - Thank you :P, as always your comments do nothing but make me want to look forward to writing my next post :').
@pika_whoosh - Thanks Pika buddy ;).
@JinnLedet - Couldn't help it. My brother's a ginger. I broke his leg once. It was great. hehehe... I mean oops...
@oceanstarr - LOOOOL, someone's even more evil than I am.
@JinnLedet - You're welcome! You're awesome!
@JinnLedet - nooo... it was an accident. I swear.
I love this! I was just wondering where in the world I could get a few good suicide tips! haha.
baby baby baby oh no baby baby...
only you can make the topic of suicide actually sound funny.
The thought of Killing Yourself = A joke. Well Said.